Some searches stay with you.

The concept of a 14-year-old boy being missing and feared dead was hard to comprehend but there was no hesitation when I set off to search, just a strong desire to do everything possible to help find him.

So many volunteers turned out to help find him.

I have been involved in a lot of land searches. I always think “what if it was my mum, dad, child or loved one.”  There is a lot of empathy before I even leave home. In some ways this is good because it means there has been a lot of times when I have turned up to help despite being busy or having other commitments. On the downside, there are times when that same empathy can translate to absorbing personal information about the missing person and their family into my own thoughts and space.

It is always more compelling and impactful when it is a child or young person. Having had 4 children under 4 and watching them struggle through childhood and their formative and teenage years, it is hard to imagine the full anguish of families when a child is missing.

On this fateful day, my own children were not much older, and that connection as a mother walked out the door with me.

Having been involved in missing searches for 5 years at the time of the search, I am an experienced searcher and aware of the emotional toll it can have, especially when the outcomes are bad.  I always do a check on my personal situation and state of mind and there are times when I have decided not to go out searching because I didn’t have the mental capacity required on the day.

On this day I had a heightened sense of empathy but was otherwise feeling strong and prepared when I left home to help. I was keen to assist but cognizant of the risks involved in searching for the missing boy.

Later that day, as I helped lift the small dead body into the back of a vehicle, that cognizance evaporated…

There is a lot of hurry up and wait in a search. It takes time to mobilize teams, get briefed, and do a myriad of other things that are required before stepping off onto the search grid.

This time was no different, but unlike your average search, they had also called in different specialist teams trained in tracking, remote searching, and vertical rescue to assist in sections containing steep slopes and dense vegetation requiring vertical mobility, rope and climbing skills. I was part of the vertical rescue team with extensive search experience, advanced first aid and trained in additional skills designed for the terrain.

The specialist teams were split off, briefed and tasked separately to the large group of general search teams. After a short period of hurry up and wait, we were tasked quickly with a map and search area to clear.  Each specialist team had their own grid area to search and initially worked independently.

It was not long, perhaps an hour, when we got word that the other specialist team had located the young boy. Sadly, he was dead, found at the bottom of a steep slope in hard to access terrain that would require both teams to affect a recovery.

We moved quickly to the location and an extraction plan was devised. There was some waiting whilst the police and forensic team came and did what they needed but then it was all hands on deck to extract the body.

Exposure to traumatic events can have a big and lasting impact.  The greater the exposure the greater the impact.  In a search I find that there are different levels of impact depending on your role and exposure:

• First on scene: If you personally discover the deceased person, it is always a shock that fills you with adrenaline, puts you into a high state of alert and amplifies all your senses.

• Visual connection (close up): Seeing the body is always particularly confronting. Seeing the physical cause of death and/or deterioration of their body can be quite graphic and visually disturbing.  Often you leave with images that you will never be able to erase.

• Physical connection: Touching or handling the body creates a physical connection that amplifies any emotional impact.  The feel of textures can become acute, as do smells which can be quite pungent.  Even the weight of a body triggers a deeper emotional connection, especially when helping to carry it any distance.

• Visual connection (at a distance): When you are part of a search and see the scene and/or body at a distance it is less traumatic but can still be difficult because your mind tends to fill in any gaps with previous and imagined data.

• General involvement: Searches where you have not had any visual or physical exposure can still have an impact due to the emotional investment in searching.  The briefing generally contains a picture and information about the missing person and related circumstances and sometimes the family is present.  This can lead to a sense of failure and loss when the loved one is found deceased.

  
  

It is best practice in emergency responses to reduce the level of exposure as much as possible to those involved in the operation.

On this search I was involved in the physical extraction so the exposure was quite high.

The team who discovered the boy performed the difficult task of transferring his body into a bag and  basket stretcher. Other members of the specialist teams, me included, remained close by but out of direct visual contact until his small body was carefully and safely prepared for transport.

Once the body was secure in the basket stretcher the team set up a counter lever rigging system made of ropes and pulleys so that we could extract the boy in a dignified and controlled manner.  Members from both teams worked together to pass the basket carefully and respectfully from person to person, up the steep and slippery embankment. Everyone was focused on the task, deep in concentration, making sure that care was taken on each pass, until the basket reached the top of the slope and walking track.

Typically, at this point all teams would step away and the undertaker would bring their vehicle in to remove the body from site. Unfortunately, due to the rugged terrain the track was only accessible by a four-wheel drive and their vehicle could not get to us. 

My vertical rescue team had come in a 4WD land cruiser troop carrier that would fit the stretcher, so it was decided to transport the boy out in the back of our vehicle.

So then comes the most difficult part…

There is really nothing that prepares you for the smell of a deceased person who has died days earlier, even if you have experienced it before. The air feels thick and hard to breathe and the smell is so pungent that you cannot escape it even when holding your breath.

But the thing that really got me was the lack of weight in the stretcher. I do not think there is anything that can prepare you for lifting a stretcher holding a child.  It is almost weightless and my head hurts as I connect the age and weight of the boy with what I am lifting. The logic holds but it does not seem to compute.  How can it be possible that someone so young and light is dead, zipped up in a body bag and being lifted into the back of a 4WD? 

My kids are not much older than this. I do not know this boy except for a photo and a brief description provided during the briefing before we started searching yet my brain connects a whole bunch of data points that do not belong. I connect data about my own kids when they were fourteen to this child, not intentionally, but the mind is racing wildly out of control as I struggle to make sense of it. 

Outwardly I remain calm, quiet and professionally execute the job I was trained to do.

The next bit is buried deep, and I have the faintest of memories. They are so deep that they seem surreal. 

We pack our gear in the back next to the stretcher and then climb into the cab with a police officer to accompany us and head off down the bumpy track.

The smell is over whelming and the windows provide little relief due to the slow speed. It is a short and bumpy trip with my body pressed hard against the others. There are no words. My head is spinning, and I cannot think straight. I desperately want to get out of the vehicle, but I cannot. The only option is to sit there, overwhelmed and stuck.

I breathe deeply and try to focus on the boy and his family. My own feelings have no place here. I bury them down deep.

On the outside I imagine I look normal. But on the inside, I am screaming and trying to hold my shit together about the injustice of it all.

I am not ok with this, not at all. I cannot comprehend and make all this work. How does a 14-year-old boy with his whole life ahead of him end up alone and dead in a forest.

It just does not fit.

I cannot forget the smell or the weight. I will never be able to make sense of what happened.

This search will stay with me forever. It has left an imprint that cannot be erased.